This past week I was waiting on the results from a MRI. So there I was, after an anxious 2.5 weeks, finally on a table: an IV hooked up in my left arm, beeping machines monitoring my heart on the right, a tube about to be inserted all the way down my esophagus and stomach, thinking, “How did I think bulimia was worth it?”
This, my friends, isn’t a spot you want to reach. I never thought my bulimia would lead me to lying on a table praying that I don’t have esophageal, larynx or brain cancer, and praying that it hasn’t come back.
At the time, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
The sad part is that even after I was diagnosed, I told my parents and the doctor that it must be connected to “smoking.”
I continued in my active life with bulimia all through chemo. I Lost my hair. I was diagnosed with cancer, and bulimia still consumed my life.
A few months ago, something changed. I went from only me knowing about my eating disorder to practically the whole town knowing (small town problems).
My psychiatrist recommended PHP. I went to one for two whole weeks (insurance stopped covering it). Then I got an ED therapist and a nutritionist, started following Minnie Maud and I picked up the book Self-Love Diet: The Only Diet That Works.
Bulimia took two years of my life, gave me cancer and the chemo made me lose my hearing. I lost a child, a fiance, my parents’ trust, friends and much more.
Every day I am learning to deal with my pain. It is the hardest thing. Laying on that table was the hardest thing. Every day I choose Recovery, but sometimes that ED Voice is still pretty loud. But you know what screams louder? That new self-love I continue to find in myself and others.
I am so happy to tell you all that I am Cancer Free!! So I am grateful for my brain and the fact that it is Cancer Free, that I’m on the Self-Love Path!
May’s self-love writing prompt is Body Gratitude. You can share your self-love journey with the Love Warrior Community by submitting your self-love posts to be published here on Self-Love Warrior, or you can share them on the Self-Love Diet Facebook page.