I’ve chosen the word “allowing” in my title because it’s a conscious decision to live peacefully. It’s something you have to invite inside of yourself. You have to allow it in.
I’ve been emailing and FB messaging one of my friends, and the conversation I had with her illuminated a lot about my self-love journey, and I want to share part of my side of the conversation with my friend here. Sharing our stories resonates with others, but I’m also sharing it to help remind myself of where I’m at now, and to record what I’ve captured of my process and progress this past month.
What I’ve been reminded of, and what I want to continue learning and living is letting go of struggle, letting go of the battle, neutralizing and normalizing everything, and learning to be at peace with every variation of me and every variation of state of being, mood, emotion and energy that I experience. Nothing is good. Nothing is bad. Everything just is. Some experiences are more comfortable to experience than others, but they’re all my normal.
Here’s some of what I shared with my friend:
My normal is constantly changing, and that’s my normal, constant change. What I strive for is peace with wherever I’m at. I told my mom today that I believe 80 percent of my life, for the rest of my life, I will live life feeling fuzzy.
Often my brain feels fuzzy, disconnected, unfocused or like I’m delirious. This past month I’ve started to accept that it will likely always feel like this, and that although it seems harder to think or act like I was able to in the past, I can still function and get shit done.
Some days I still struggle with it, but the less I struggle with what I “lost,” a clarity of mind, the easier life becomes, and I realize that in this unfocused haze I can actually get a lot done if I stop telling myself I can’t.
I also changed my definition of normal happy or any state of mind. Sometimes my anxiety is off the charts, sometimes I have none. Sometimes I’m various levels of depressed, paranoid, crazy energetic. Sometimes I’m highly emotional, sometimes I’m completely emotionally disconnected. Sometimes I feel weird sensations in my brain. Sometimes it’s really hard to be with where I’m at with my feelings, and sometimes it’s really hard to function on a basic level, but when I’m at my best is when I let go of struggle, when I let go of normal and when I let go of my ideals and accept where I’m at, what’s going on, and allow myself to just be.
When I neutralize all of my emotions and state of beings as state of beings that just happen, and aren’t good or bad, then life becomes easier. I still experience depression, paranoia, rapid changes in my mood, but when I accept it all as my normal, it makes it okay, and it makes it easier for me to live a balanced life because I stop struggling against myself and allow life to flow. Paranoia still feels pretty shitty, but I’m just starting to find peace with it and am starting to find the positives with it.
[A change of subject within the email.]
I don’t think you can ever be too old to be successful (to reach or achieve success). And success can be had at any moment if you redefine your definition. I have to redefine my ideas of success daily. Some days getting out of bed and doing one thing for the day, like going for a walk, is successful. Other days when my energy, mood and focus are more aligned, then I raise my idea of success.
– Emelina Minero
March’s self-love writing prompt is the Body Path. You can share your self-love journey with the Love Warrior Community by submitting your self-love posts to be published here on Self-Love Warrior, or you can share them on the Self-Love Diet Facebook page.
Emelina Minero uses her passion for writing, editing, social media and offline and online community building to feed her other passions. She’s the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of The Human Experience, a queer publication that’s inclusive to everyone, queer or not. She’s the Co-Founder of the Love Warrior Community, an online community that fosters self-love and acceptance. She’s the Founder of Community Bucket List, an online community that helps people take action on their passions through action-oriented bucket lists, and she’s the Social Media Chair for nonprofit Eating Disorder Recovery Support, Inc. Emelina also writes for various queer publications, and is a contributing writer for Curve Magazine, the best-selling lesbian magazine in the U.S., as well as Lesbian.com.