Unsure

Day 22

It’s weird, I haven’t been writing my self-love posts as regularly lately because I’m at a loss for what to say. I don’t know what I have to celebrate (besides the obvious things, of course: good health, family, friends, a good heart, a kind soul) and whatever demons I may have are peacefully dozing in the back of my mind.

Sure, maybe I could use an extra dash of self-love or forgiveness today. My body clock naturally gravitates to sleeping between 4 AM and 1 PM and I don’t know how to deal with that. Do I embrace the night I adore and throw myself into working while the entire world sleeps? Do I fight my night-owl tendencies and try to live as my fellow humans do? On one hand I get quite a lot done when I hit my stride around 1 AM. On the other hand I’m missing out on a lot of living and a lot of sunshine: all the shops close around 7 PM (including my favorite coffee shops) and everyone just seems more *alive* at 1 PM than at 1 AM.

Do I focus on the good I accomplished today? I helped one friend go from bawling with tears to bursting with laughter in the span of an hour. That’s something to be proud of, isn’t it? I didn’t do too badly at work, either.

I still struggle with including “pretty” in the list of words I use to describe for myself and I’m wondering if I should make an effort to cook for myself more often, rather than heating up cartons of soup and munching on crackers for the third night in a row.

I guess it comes down to something very simple: I don’t know what I need or where to start. Some things I can seek out: friends, family, focus. I can take dance classes to help me love my body and I can walk to class so I get some exercise in. But sometimes my head gets so crowded with ideas that I don’t know where to start. That’s when my brain and my will-power break down – I become paralyzed and then I lose my momentum. This then makes me wonder about what others might tell me counts as self-love. Sure I’m happy living like an owl, but “society” (that amorphous blob of judging eyes that seems to make people scared or hurt or afraid) says that isn’t healthy (not very self-loving). I don’t mind eating soup five nights a week if my head is buried in an enormous pile of books (not eating right ≠ self-love, making myself happy by reading = self-love). So how do I separate out my needs from what I’m told I should need or should be? Meditation? That sh*t is scary. If I meditate too often or too long I start bawling. Is there another way?

Anyway, I’m digressing a bit. I want to say I feel fine. I don’t feel UTTERLY FABULOUS DARLING, but I don’t want to throw myself down a hill, either. Of course some things could be better, but some things could be so much worse, as well.

I did want to say something tonight, only because I am skipping days and I’d like to get back on track. I made a promise to myself, after all. Even if I missed seeing the sun today, I can still be proud that I wrote an entry today.

– Anonymous


This self-love post was submitted for the 31-Day Self-Love Writing Challenge. Even though January is over, you can continue to write from the prompts if they inspire you. February’s self-love writing prompt is Be Your Own Valentine. Join our February Self-Love Writing Challenge Facebook event to continue sharing your self-love journey in a safe community.

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