As I continue with the 31-day challenge, much of my thoughts have focused on the question, “How can I love myself?” (Part of that is because that’s what we’re supposed to do–practice loving ourselves.) And a lot of my answers have involved with the intrinsic: moving to a frame where I like the way I look; being my Best Beyonce. But as of Monday, I feel like something has popped up and made my journey also external.
Let me explain.
A fight with my friend towards the end of last year sort of fizzled over. The use of cellphones and texts and holiday travels made it end in a weird place. But on Monday, a series of unfortunate events had me bring up the fight again. I caused the continuation of that disagreement. I know that this is my fault; apologizes were said the first time around, so I’m wrong. Normally an apology is enough, but it’s not really in me to bring up old things. So in between feeling bad, the past two days have led me to ask myself a series of questions involving “Why?”: “Why did I say that?” “Why did I bring that shit up again?” “Why did I *do* that?” “Why didn’t I let it just go?” And in thinking about it, the answers have become, “Because I still feel wronged from the first fight. Because there is a problem that I haven’t fully addressed, and it’s killing me to not say something.”
Coming to this conclusion is so crazy for me because ordinarily, I have no problem with speaking what’s on my mind. If it’s funny, I’ll say it; if I think you’re doing something that’s bad for you, I’ll say it because I love you. But this fight has me realizing that when it means that I have to directly confront you about how *I’m* feeling, I won’t do it feet first. It comes from a place that hates conflict with close friends and finds it hard to articulate in a way I’d feel makes sense to the other person. So, I let it go or reason with myself to chill out; I tell myself that I’m feeling a way because of x,y,z; that fighting with someone I think of as a friend has the greater potential of blowing up in my face and then I might not have that friend anymore and I don’t want that.
It’s almost always a huge fight with myself.
A fight at times is just that–a fight. And other times it’s a means of standing up for yourself and letting it be known that something is not okay with you. Speaking up for myself, saying that I feel a way about something that’s happened, whether it was yesterday or two weeks ago or two months ago, it’s not just fighting with another person, it’s fighting *for* myself. I am fighting for myself, for my behalf. I am fighting to be treated in a way that’s better than how I’m being treated in that moment. It’s a crude form of self-love, it can be perceived as a selfish form of self love, and from time to time, it’s wrong and you’re wrong. But for each time it’s right when you’re asserting your feelings and not just proving a point, it is a form of self-love.
The point of this is, in loving ourselves, we have to fight for ourselves and our love. Our self love is worth discovering and cultivating and most especially fighting for. Sometimes that’s external: we have to fight to be heard; we have to have uncomfortable conversations with ourselves and others for our peace of mind and to change things. Other times, it’s internal–we have to fight against our own voice(s) that tells us mean things about ourselves and keeps us from really conquering something that blocks us from happiness. And sometimes, it’s both internal and external. But no matter it’s form, it’s something you have to do. Loving yourself sometimes means fighting for your love against your demons and even the people in your world.
So be willing to fight for yourself.
As for me, I have to apologize for my particular action and then I have to fight against my intrinsic discomfort to get my point across with the other person. It’s complicated. I’ve written my friend a note to give because I know I can’t say it without interruption. This has a 50/50 chance of ending badly and perpetuating the misunderstanding, but I know that at the end of the day, I’ll feel better about saying how I feel. And that’s important to me above all because I love myself and have to be willing to fight for myself.
31-Day Self-Love Writing Challenge
January is Self-Love month, and it marks the 4th year that we’ve hosted the 31-Day Self-Love Writing Challenge. You can participate by submitting your self-love writing to be published on this blog. You can submit your writing here. You can also participate by writing your self-love posts on your own blog and linking back to the 31-Day Self-Love Writing Challenge, 2014 blog post and Facebook event. If you don’t start on January 1st, that’s fine! You can jump into the challenge whenever you want.
Win a Copy of Self-Love Diet: The Only Diet That Works
Each blog post you write is one entry into our random drawing to win an autographed copy of my book, Self-Love Diet: The Only Diet That Works. You’ll also be entered into our drawing to win our upcoming Self-Love e-products that we’ll be announcing soon.
If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your self-love writing, you can write in a journal or write yourself self-love emails. If writing isn’t for you, simply reading others’ self-love writing can be powerful and beneficial to you on your self-love journey.