Cultivating My Own Mothering Energy

I just read two self-love posts. One, Self Critic and Self Love by Lindsey Wert and the other, May is Mother’s Day Month by Michelle Minero.

May is Mother’s Day Month was Michelle’s post describing our self-love writing theme for the month of May — finding the feminine and mothering energy all around us: in the sunshine, in someone’s smile, in an impassioned speech, in the trees, in a hug, anywhere.

Self Critic and Self Love was about admitting something that we struggle with, and being able to let go of it, to accept it and to see the value in it and the gifts it offers us.

What is something you desire to accept about yourself? Is there something you desire to let go of and move through?

I chose to see my dyslexia as a gift not as something that defines me. How about you?

Focus — how to grasp it, and how to maintain it once I have it. I struggle with focus, with short-term and long-term focus.

Often, there is this pressure pushing down on my head. Somedays I feel this pressure throughout the whole day. Other times, it lifts from my head periodically and returns in intervals. Sometimes it lifts at night and I’ll find my focus then.

When I feel this pressure against my head, it feels like I’m not really awake, like I’m functioning, but my brain isn’t alert. It feels like not everything is in place, like something needs to click.

It’s hard for me to focus when I feel this pressure on my head. There are all these free flowing thoughts in my head that won’t connect, or sometimes it feels like I’m not able to pin point one of those thoughts to put my focus on. Organizing them, prioritizing them and acting on them then becomes difficult.

Looking back at my self-love posts for these past 2 years, I’ve noticed a constant theme. I’m constantly striving for work-life balance and focus. I equate sustainable focus with a thriving work-life balance. If I can focus consistently, I’ll have work-life balance. I don’t have work-life balance. I haven’t been able to focus consistently.

At times I can focus really well. I have focus sprees. Once, shortly after graduation, I was on a two week uber focus period when I had an internet marketing internship. I was so absorbed in the information and passionate about learning it that I couldn’t sleep. I slept about 2 hours a night and was glued to my computer working and learning for 2 weeks straight. Sometimes my sprees will last multiple days, or just one day, like a 16 hour focus period. Other times it will be shorter, like a 20 minute focus period.

When I get in this focused mind frame, it’s like I’m alive. The thing that was missing in my brain, it clicked. It’s in place. The pressure is off of my head. I can think clearly. I can focus easily. I have more energy. Everything seems so simple and clear. I know what I want. I know what I need to do, and I can easily take the actions that I need, step by step, to accomplish whatever task.

When I’m in this hyper focused state, I can focus clearly on anything. It’s like the world opens up to me. Nothing can bring me down. Whatever I viewed as an obstacle before doesn’t exist. It becomes the simplest thing to solve. I see everything so clearly.

When I go through my long-term focus sprees, I get so much done. Sometimes there is a middle ground, where I can be somewhat consistent in my focus, without being in hyperfocus and without lacking focus, but I haven’t been able to find an ideal middle ground.

This worries me. Right now I’m going through a low focus phase. My productivity and work is affected by this. This causes me frustration and anxiety.

All my work is self-scheduled. There are weeks when my focus is better and I can put in enough hours to work over full-time and there are weeks where my focus is lacking and I can’t even work part-time.

If I could just level out my focus, and work 40 hours a week consistently, instead of going through high productivity cycles and low productivity cycles, I could get so much accomplished. If I could access that part of my brain that goes on hyper focus and maintain that into 40 hour work weeks, I’d feel like a super hero at what I could get done. I’d be able to achieve all my goals, projects, work, etc so quickly. I’d be progressing at amazing speeds. I don’t even have to be in hyper focus. If I can just grab half of that focus and have it be consistent, I would get so much done.

It’s frustrating to know what I’m capable of, to know what I need to do, and to just observe myself not doing anything. It’s more like I watch myself progressing at such a halted rate, struggling to focus and be productive, and moving forward, but moving forward like a slug.

Self Critic and Self Love was about admitting something that we struggle with, and being able to let go of it, to accept it and to see the value in it and the gifts it offers us.

I’m having difficulty accepting this. There has to be a middle ground. There has to be some way where I can cultivate consistent focus. Throughout high school and college, I always had trouble with focusing, or staying within the set guidelines or staying on task, but I was able to get whatever I needed done finished, and I did a really good job. I had more structure in a school setting and outside pressure, which I’m sure helped.

I know the gifts. My unfocused thoughts have helped me to think outside of the box, to see alternative options. It has helped fuel my creativity. I connect with others really easily from any background. I transition really easy from environment to environment. I don’t see things as black and white. I’m very comfortable with the grey area.

All of these gifts are almost useless if I cannot harness my focus, if I can’t put them to use.

In a structured work environment, I excel. My passions lie in an unstructured work environment. I have to figure out how to cultivate my own structure to cultivate consistent focus.

finding the feminine and mothering energy all around us

I’m trying to cultivate this energy. I created myself a work schedule two weeks ago. It went okay the first week. The second week there were interruptions and I struggled with it. I’m trying to go to sleep earlier and at the same time each night. I’m also working on waking up earlier to get a jump start on my day so I can try to cultivate my focus while the sun is out. I’ve been working on adding consistent morning workouts into my schedule, as well as more water and a healthy breakfast. I’m using a planner more. These changes haven’t been enough.

If I keep at it, tweak whatever I need to, continue to add more structure and a routine into my life, while keeping room for the flexibility that I need, I’m hoping that my brain will click.

I think I just really need to give myself a lot more structure. I need to give myself a solid work schedule that I can’t change. And I need to change my environment. I don’t have a good workspace.

I’m meeting with a doctor tomorrow to discuss more ways to cultivate focus. I think if I added Yoga to my mornings, that could help. I would love to get into Reiki and Qigong. I think that would help me a lot, energy practices. If I turned my morning gym adventures into morning outside runs, that may be a positive switch. I really think water is important. I want to drink sufficient water. Drinking less caffeine would probably help, but I’m already in such a low focus state; I see it being very difficult to cultivate more focus without caffeine. Although caffeine doesn’t always help. Sometimes it makes my brain “click” and other times it puts me to sleep.

I really need to use my planner more. I have a few appointments floating in my head, distracting me, that I should probably write down in my calendar.

I think organizing my room, my space and getting rid of a lot of the clutter can help me.

Setting myself new clearly defined goals could be helpful. I can update my action-oriented bucket list and create milestones and/or set S.M.A.R.T. goals for myself.

I really think morning jogs and something like Qigong would be super beneficial for me.

There’s a place for me to start. To look at all of these suggestions and start putting some of them into practice.

For the month of May, I’m going to focus on cultivating that feminine energy and I’m going to put my energy into mothering myself. I’ll push myself to act on whatever actions I need to in order to cultivate consistent focus, to bring more structure into my life and to balance my energy.

One goal will be to write daily self-love posts for the month of May, focusing on the actions that I’m taking to bring more focus into my life. That will help me for accountability and to track my progress. Cheers to more focus! I’m already feeling better about this. 🙂

Emelina Minero writes for Curve Magazine and EDGE Media Network. She’s working on launching her own progressive LGBTQ publication. She’s a Connection Connoisseur, Networking Maven and Self-Love Enthusiast. She founded Community Bucket List and co-founded the Love Warrior Community. Find her on Twitter, @CommKr8veWriter.

About emelinaminero

I'm passionate about people, community, self-love and the diversity in the human experience.
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4 Responses to Cultivating My Own Mothering Energy

  1. Pingback: Being Grateful For Small Progress | selflovewarrior

  2. Emelina, you did a great job of describing your experience of trying to focus and have stable energy. It seems that sharing it has helped you with clarity. It has also allowed you to write about how you are working on it, and how you’re reaching out for support as well. These are all positive action steps. I’m also pleased to hear that you are able to see the gifts in your ‘problem”. I support you in putting routine and structure into your life, these steps you’re taking comes from the Mothering Energy. I love that you are being compassionate with yourself and moving forward even if it seems like slow progress… it is still progress! A good mother is encouraging and looks for those actions and thoughts that are positive, you are being a loving mother to yourself!

    • Thank you. 🙂 Today I have been focusing on the fact that slow progress is progress. It helps focusing on the positive aspects of making transitions. From transitioning to lack of structure to structure and routine, and from lack of focus to focus, it doesn’t help to put my attention and focus on the things that I don’t make happen right away. For example, it has been my goal to go do bed by 11pm to wake up around 7 or 8am. Two nights ago I got 1 hour of sleep, but I didn’t get down on myself the next day and ended up having a really productive day. Last night, I felt like I could have gone to sleep by 8pm, but one of my best friend’s called me and I could tell he needed to talk, so we hung out until 1am. Today I woke up a little past noon today. When I woke up and saw what time it was, instead of telling myself I wasted my day or that I’ve gotten a slow start, I told myself I needed the sleep, and then I went on with my day. Although I know sleep plays an important factor of creating more structure and focus, I also know that getting in a negative mindset because I didn’t stick to my sleep goals these past two nights wouldn’t help my focus either. It really does help to put my focus on the small progress, and to realize that everything won’t happen at once, but that eventually my focus will improve and I’ll create a structured lifestyle for myself that will work really well for me.

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